For those of you have been reading for a while, you know that a Disneyland Paris has been on my wish list for years, since December 2012 to be exact. I dreamed of the time when this race would become a reality and I could combine one of my favorite race experiences, runDisney, with one of my favorite places, Paris. When the race was announced a year ago February, I was excited but wasn't sure where life would take me in the 18 months until the race day. During that time, I became engaged, got married, started a new career, and dreamed of starting a family. In full disclosure, I also became less enthusiastic about runDisney for a variety of reasons so my excitement had waned (but that's a topic for another day). With a flexible transfer policy, I registered but never really was 100% committed. Simply put, I wasn't confident about registering for an overseas race so far in advance.
|Spending a very chilly afternoon at Versailles|
My parents visited us for Easter earlier this spring. It was during that visit that Mom and I chatted about the race. She handed me a copy of the medical paperwork for the race, customary for European races. I tossed it aside thinking I wouldn't need it. You see, later that same day, Adam and I shared the news that we were expecting our first child and the timing of the race just wouldn't work late into the pregnancy. I was pretty bummed about missing the race but starting our family was a much greater priority for me. My mom planned to offer my spot to my aunt who had expressed interest in the race. At the time, I thought that was the end of that.
A few weeks later, the pregnancy abruptly ended. To say we were devastated is an understatement and at the time, I wasn't ready to share any of that here. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I ever would but here we are. In the weeks that have followed that sad day, Adam and I started piecing together life post-pregnancy, but lacking a child, the child we both desperately dreamed of. I started a new career, which served as a welcome distraction. We progressed with some projects around the house. Slowly, we moved on, but not without a different perspective on life and of our dreams of starting a family.
And then one day a few weeks later, Mom mentioned Disneyland Paris again. I had completely forgotten about it following the stress and emotional roller coaster of a miscarriage and starting a new job. My Aunt wasn't able to take my slot so all of a sudden, my dream race was an option again. It's back on my radar and I'm planning to try to make it a reality.
|Looking forward to some fall fun in my favorite|
European city with my mama.
In some ways, it's a bit of a silver lining following this challenging time in our lives. As I told my husband during our run last Saturday, running has helped make me feel whole during this period of loss in our lives. It's a time when my body feels strong, I feel alive, and I can process my thoughts and emotions. After feeling as though my body betrayed me, pounding out the miles reminds me that this same body is capable of a lot. Who knows, maybe Disneyland Paris will be the PR race I've been longing for. At this point, I'm open to all options.
Running and writing are traditionally my outlets for when I'm feeling down, stressed, or confused. I have written dozens of essays and blog posts that have never been published simply to work through my thoughts and emotions. I wasn't ever sure if I would share my story of pregnancy loss. I felt raw and sad. Who am I kidding? I still do. Seeing Mother's Day posts on social media all weekend long felt like a kick in the gut over and over. But want to know the thing about this blog, running, and life? We keep going. I will keep writing, keep moving toward the finish line, and continue to seek the day when we become parents.
Like with many other challenges in life, I penned some thoughts on the stress and disappointment of miscarriage. You can find the article here.